Basic Living
Is it okay to say, you’re not okay?
I’m still trying to figure out why people ask “how are you” when they don’t always want to hear the true answer? Daily, people ask one another how they feel or how life is going but when the person comes back and says “not so good” too many people tend to back off and/or hesitate asking what the problem is and quickly resort to a phrase where they don’t even have to get involved such as “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, I hope things get better for you.” Why is it that not many ask “is there anything I can do?”
There is a boat load of reasons why someone wouldn’t offer their help or support. Maybe they are afraid that the person will ask too much of them. Maybe they have too much going on and don’t have the time or can’t handle all the issues they have on their own to stop and help another person. Maybe they assume that it would be too stressful or even maybe they assume that there is nothing they can do to help. Maybe, maybe, maybe… but did you ask?
There are a lot of people, I’ve noticed, that don’t even discuss their issues with others because they feel too independent to ask and some feel they have asked for help so often in the past that no one will think to help them again. The one thing I don’t understand is why is it that when someone does finally admit that they can’t handle things on their own and they ask for help, too many people try and avoid the issue and/or keep their distance.
Too many people are so wrapped so tightly in themselves, trying to deal with their own shit that they don’t even consider helping anyone else. Did anyone ever think, if they put their own issues to the side for a moment and give a person a shoulder to cry on and help them with the details of their issues, then just MAYBE that would be all they need? A good friend will listen to anything and everything you say but sometimes try to distract your mind with things that they went through just to say “it could be worse.” Come on now… nobody wants to hear “it could be worse” when they are currently going through it!
After openly talking about what your dealing with, have you ever heard the phrase “I never been through that before, I don’t know what to tell you” or “that happened to me before but just not like that?” I’ve heard things like this all too much in my life! This is why most people just end up saying “I’m fine” when they are asked how they are. I should know cause I used to have to go to work and try not to cry or say too much about my issues at home even though people definitely notice that I was not okay and dying inside just to tell someone what life was like for me once I got home. Eventually, I stopped saying I’m fine all the time because it was apparently obvious that I was not!
It just doesn’t seem right that people have to put a mask on in front of others. Saying your fine when your not is only lying to yourself also. It’s only been a few years now, that I’ve been telling people how I really feel. Not expressively speaking my true feelings on things was just eating me alive inside! Ya know, people can potentially go crazy from having too much on their mind and no ways to vent. Watch out! When I hold too much back for too long, the words that usually come out of my mouth, at times can cut like a knife ~(-:{ Ask any of my closest friends and relatives.
What kind of world are we living in where someone in need has to hide their true feelings because they are too afraid to ask for support? I’m not even taking financial support into consideration!!
What about those of us who quit asking for help a long time ago but really do need it still? Is it too much to ask for someone we care about to OFFER their help as opposed being forced to feel weaker by admitting they need help? What about the people who barely asked for anything their whole life that feel they have only ever been a burden to those they thought truly cared?
Is it really okay to say you’re not okay?
I’m still unsure if society thinks it’s okay, but I do know one thing…
I’ve already made the decision to never again say I’m okay when I’m not because for me, it’s self-destructive, leaves me lonely, and does not resolve a thing!!!
So, with that said… how do you feel?
PBS: 7 Ways to Solve Sibling Rivalry
written by Patience on www.pbs.org/parent
We are at that point in the summer where everyone has been together nonstop and we are going a little nutty. Everything feels annoying from everyone to everyone. Throw a little heat in the mix and it’s pretty much a recipe for miserable living. This is the moment for intervention, or maybe not, whatever your personal solution might be to one of the biggest parenting struggles, sibling rivalry.
It’s been pretty bad over here so I came up with a few strategies. Don’t know if they will work for you but maybe it’s worth a shot?
1. Give Them Something To Do. Many a conflict start out from being bored. Bothering your sister is something to do when you have run out of all other ideas. Sometimes a project can bring them back together, other times doing the same project in separate spaces is called for. Pull out small art kits and other special things might be in order.
2. Stop And Spend Time Together. The last thing I want to do is spend time with fighting children but it is often the very thing most needed. I find when I disengage and enter their world for just awhile it diffuses the angst floating around. Reading a book to them in bed, watching a movie together, playing a game of tag makes them forget they can’t stand each other for a bit.
3. Do An Intervention Dance. Sometimes, doing very little or nothing at all is the answer. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote the best book on sibling relationships called Siblings Without Rivalry. They talk about a strategy of how to help kids navigate their own conflicts by “stepping in so you can step out”. Helping kids identify their feelings in the moment (stepping in) and then allowing kids to work out (stepping out) how they are going to deal with them.
There are times when children can navigate their own conflict but it might take longer than we prefer, other times they need us to set up the navigation just a bit. I find it helps to have the kids face each other at eye level, allow each other to say what is bothering them and then ask each child if they have any ideas for solutions. After a few times, kids can actually do this themselves. If no one is ready or willing, I let them go to their own spaces until they we can come together for another try. It can be a bit of a dance figuring out which is needed when.
4. Get Some Playdate Parties Going. Everyone needs a little time away once in awhile. Now is the time to call your best friend and ask to trade various kids for the day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? fingers crossed.
5. Forget Fair. “It’s not fair!” Have you heard this? Can I get an amen from the middle child in the house? Switch verbage to needs. Things are not always fair and never will be but we can do our best to meet each others needs. When we are deep into the “mine isn’t as big, she got more, etc..”, the need question helps loads. “Is there something you are worried about or need?” More about this in the book mentioned above.
6. Put Everyone In Time Out. Start with yourself. When things are bad and you are spent from screeching and yelling, hide for awhile. I used to lock myself in the bathroom for 10 minutes (making sure all was safe first if you have littles) or run errands when my husband got home at night. Even being in the car by myself in silence felt like a luxury. If I could re-group, I could help the kids too.
When we were kids, my mom banished us to our rooms to “work it out”. We hated it and I don’t know if it always worked but somewhere in that time we decided to gang up against her. We came out annoyed with her but somehow fine with each other.
7. Start An Acts of Kindness List. See how documenting kindness can change the vibe in your family.
Got any other good tips for sibling relationships? Please share them.
Sources: PBS
14 Basic Skills All Men Should Possess
By Sean Percival on July 7, 2009
Photo by: Wm Marc Salsberry
In today’s modern world there are many things we take for granted, many things our fathers would have known how to do, and some others that might baffle them. Additionally, on average, Americans and European men are starting to get married older, meaning that there is now a need to be self-sufficient in things long-considered to be within the realm of the woman. Whether you’re out camping, or at home or work, there are some basic skills a man must possess. The following are fourteen examples of these skills – if you don’t know them, you should learn them, or you may be caught unaware sooner than you think. If you can think of others, please leave them in the comments below.
Drive a Stick-Shift
It’s a sad thought that more men, every day, are coming of age with absolutely no experience driving a stick-shift. To really add insult to injury, there are more men running around who don’t know how to drive a car period, but they’re beyond help if they’re that far gone. Driving stick is not a difficult thing to learn, and you don’t need to own a manual-transmission vehicle to acquire the skill. Have a friend teach you, hell, rent a car if you have to, it only takes a couple of hours to get the hang of it. At some point, just about everyone comes across a situation when they need to drive someone else’s car, and there’s a pretty decent chance that car will be a stick. You’ll want at least a vague familiarity with it.
Hook Up an Entertainment Center
There is absolutely NO excuse for this one. It’s now 2009, TVs with wires coming out the back of them haven’t been new or fangled for twenty years. The wires are color-coded, and even labeled with handy names like “input” and “output”. Here’s a hint, if something outputs, there’s an input somewhere waiting for it. With HDTVs on the rise now, it’s even easier with HDMI plugs, since there’s only one cable. Your grandfather may get away with having the Geek Squad come out to the house to install his new TV, but you need to man up and handle your own business.
Fix a Toilet
Everyone has a toilet, most houses even have more than one. They’re not new and they’re not that scary inside, either, yet somehow this all goes out the window the moment that flush handle stops making noises. Odds are, if you take the lid off the back of the toilet and peek in there, you’re going to immediately see what’s wrong. It’s not a complicated assembly, and if you really can’t figure out how the flapper works, the guy at Home Depot will be happy to take one and half minutes to explain it to you.
Navigate a Map and Use GPS
There should never be any instance when a man is handed a map and says, “I don’t know what I’m looking at here.” It may sound silly to some, but it happens every day. The culprit is usually the same guy who can’t drive. Roadmaps aren’t exactly of the difficulty level the Goonies had to deal with; they have clearly marked labels and landmarks, just like the road you’re on. The same goes for ditching the map and using a GPS device, which are built to be easy enough to operate one-handed and without looking. That’s their purpose, so you shouldn’t have a problem learning how to use one.
Change the Oil
Granted, in a decade or so cars that even have oil to change will be much less common, but right now they’re the run of the mill and have been since your grandparents were toddlers. Every man should be able to, if needed, change the oil in his car, as well as swap the spark plugs and the air filter. These three things make up the bare minimum maintenance-skills trifecta for car-owners. The only exception to this rule would be if you grew up filthy rich, and only drove cars that required special garage tools and special knowledge and calibration. That’s probably not you.
Balance a Checkbook
A man needs to be able to manage his money. That’s just a simple fact of life, a part of growing up and a major factor in whether or not he spends his life alone and miserable. Now, while it’s true that money isn’t everything, it definitely matters quite a bit. A woman isn’t necessarily shallow if she doesn’t want to spend her life with a guy who can’t keep his bank account from over-drafting, she’s just got good sense.
Cook the Perfect Steak
A timeless symbol of manhood, cooking the perfect steak is a long sought-after goal for any man who’s ever touched a grill. It’s just one of those things we all have to strive for in life. On top of that, it’s a great way to garner respect around the neighborhood, and it’s sure to get you a reputation as a good cook regardless of any actual cooking skills. The last thing you want is for your own wife or girlfriend to ask that you let your friend man the grill on the 4th of July. It should always be you.
Swim the Breaststroke
The need to be able to swim is one of basic survival. If you fall into a body of water, you need to be able to get back out, otherwise you’re a danger to yourself and others. You don’t need to be an Olympic-style swimmer, but you should at the very least be able to pull off a breaststroke if your life depended on it, and it might, you really never know. If the whole impending doom thing doesn’t sway you, then the fact that you look lame dog-paddling across the lake might.
Write Effectively
Unless you plan on spending your entire life working construction, and not as the foreman, you’re going to have to write more than one paragraph at some point. When that time comes, you need to be able to string something together that’s both coherent, and correct. That means spelling, grammar and proper punctuation, all things taught throughout high school. If, like most young men, you weren’t paying any attention during high school and now can’t write a paper to save your life, there are plenty of resources available on the Internet; take some time and rectify your mistakes before it’s too late.
Dress for the Occasion
Jeans and a t-shirt are great, every guy needs to be comfortable, and nobody would fault a guy for wearing his favorite jeans to the store. That’s a far cry from going to a job interview, a wedding or to a yacht party dressed like this. A man needs to have a presence and that means not looking like a drowned rat in unwashed clothes. You need to be able to dress yourself, and women will attest to this. It may be a little more expensive than the thrift store, but the payoff is ten-fold. If you lack fashion sense, and many men do, take a woman with you. There is no better shopping partner than a fashion-conscious woman.
Sew a Button
Yes, you can run around asking every woman in sight if she can help you fix your broken button, but you’re going to look like a jerk. It’s pretty easy to fix a rogue button if you can get a hold of a needle and thread. All you need to do is thread the needle, and then start looping it through the button holes and fabric. It doesn’t have to be pretty, it just has to keep the button on your clothes until you can replace them or find someone to do a professional job (like your mother). The last thing you want to do is to just walk around missing a button, that just looks ridiculous.
Do Laundry Properly
Many men get away without the most rudimentary of laundry skills, but they’re the guys who only own one pair of Levis and three black t-shirts. Socks and underwear are always optional to these gentlemen and they live the perennial single life. A man needs to be able to take care of his clothes, and that includes sorting them to allow for color-bleed as well as fabric types. The dryer can also be a deal breaker – even when washing correctly, and you don’t want to end up with a shirt that fits a 10-year-old. Learning this skill is actually a pretty involved, drawn-out process, but with enough trips to the laundromat, and enough stupid questions annoying the women that happen to be there, you can learn how to handle your clothes like a fashion expert – and maybe even get a date while you’re at it.
Handle Roadside Emergencies
If you’re going to be out on the road, then you need to be able to handle a flat tire or jump a battery. Not knowing these two simple things can be just as bad as walking into the desert with no water. It’s also important that you be able to stop to help others who are stranded on the side of the road when they don’t know how to change their flat tire.
Build a Fire
Much like swimming, this is a basic survival skill that mankind developed long ago. There is always the off-chance that you may need to spontaneously build a fire, and you should have at least some inkling of how to go about doing it if the need ever arises. You don’t need to become an expert fire-starter, but you should at the very least be aware of the various methods that exist. There is no shame in taking the easy way out; always having a lighter, or a book or box of matches on hand. Weatherproof matches in your glovebox are always a good idea, and flint-strikers are cheap and non-combustible alternatives as well. Man discovered fire, don’t be the guy who never learned how to use it.
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Blog Source: Manolith.com
Suze Orman’s ~ 10 Tips for a Fresh Financial Start
1. No Blame, No Shame 
The foundation of a financial fresh start actually has nothing to do with money or specific financial dos and don’ts. The first, and most difficult, step is to absolve yourself and your spouse or partner of any guilt. So you need to make a promise to me. I need you to agree that the past is past, and we are going to focus on the future. Whatever mistakes you feel you have made with money, whatever moves you wish you had or hadn’t made, are irrelevant. We are free to move forward only when we remove the emotional shackles of regret. This cleansing step is especially important for couples. You are in this together, so no finger-pointing or arguing about any past decisions. Do we have a deal? Deep breath, everyone. Exhale. Now you are ready to put your financial house in order.
2. Take a Snapshot of Your Finances It’s impossible to map out a route to your destination if you don’t know where you’re starting from. So let’s take a “before” picture of your finances. You’ve heard me say this a million times, but I want you to open every single financial statement—bank, credit card, mortgage, 401(k), brokerage account—and take a look. Only when you have everything in front of you can you set priorities about what to do next. If you’re vexed by your checking account (you swear you should have more money; you can never figure out why your checks bounce), start fresh by opening a new one. Leave enough in your existing account to cover any checks that haven’t yet been processed, then transfer the rest to the new account and close the old one. Next, sign up for online banking. It should be free, and as long as you use your home computer, it’s also safe. The advantage of online banking is that you can pay bills superfast, and your account is automatically credited or debited for each deposit and payment, making it easier to stay on track.
3. Adopt a Foolproof Credit Card Strategy Make this the year you tackle that credit card debt once and for all. Doing so will make you and your family stronger and happier—forever. What happens to the stock market and the housing market is completely beyond your control. Credit card debt, however, is completely within your control. Every time you pay off a card with a 15 percent interest rate, you get a 15 percent return on your money. See if you can qualify for a balance transfer card that offers a low or 0 percent introductory interest rate for the first six to 12 months. If you can get a good deal, move your high-rate debt to that new card. Do not use the card for any new charges, and push yourself hard to pay off the balance as soon as possible. If you don’t qualify, no worries. Always pay the minimum due on each card, on time, every month. Whenever possible, send in some extra money on the card that charges the highest interest rate. Your goal is to get the costliest balance paid off first. When the first card is cleared, direct your payments to the card with the next highest interest rate. Keep doing this until you’ve zeroed out the balances on all your cards.
4. Try Harder to Save
When I suggest that people send in more money to pay off credit card balances or increase the amount they save each month for retirement, I hear the same sad story: “Oh, Suze, I would if I could, but I can’t because there’s no extra money left at the end of the month.” I beg to differ. There’s no money left because you haven’t evaluated your spending habits. You need to dig deep and be willing to change those habits; to set goals and use those goals as the motivation for lifestyle changes that will allow you to save and invest. Take a clear-eyed look at your credit card statements for the past six months. Can you really tell me that there isn’t at least $50 or $100 showing up that you could easily do without? I didn’t think so. I call this “hidden money,” and here’s how you can find it.
I challenge you to reduce every one of your monthly utility bills by 10 percent. Change your calling plan or get rid of the landline account unless you absolutely need it. Dial back the platinum cable package to silver. I bet you can seriously trim your utilities by spending one afternoon increasing your home’s energy efficiency: Attach a draft-blocking guard to the bottom of any external doors; add caulk or weatherproofing material around drafty windows; put low-flow
aerators on your showerheads and faucets; and replace burned-out bulbs with compact fluorescent energy savers (they’re pricier than conventional bulbs but last much longer, saving you money over the long term).
Cars are another great place to save. Plan on driving yours for at least seven to ten years (regular tune-ups will help keep it running longer). Consider buying a used or certified pre-owned car rather than a brand new one. If you get a three-year loan, you have plenty of life left in your car, and money that once went to car payments is freed up for other financial needs. And please, avoid leasing. Since you don’t own the car, you never have a time when you are driving your car free and clear. Also, raising your deductible or designating one car to be used for low-mileage driving (under 15,000 miles a year) can reduce your insurance premiums by 15 percent or more.
5. Separate Savings from Investments Now we’re ready to move on to how you put your money to work for you and your family. There is a vitally important difference between money you need to save and money you need to invest, yet it’s a distinction many people don’t grasp. Money you know you need or want to spend in the next few years is savings. Money you keep handy for an emergency belongs in savings. Money you hope to use soon for a down payment on a house belongs in savings. And all savings belong in a low-risk bank savings account or money market account. The goal is to keep your money safe so that when you go to use it, it will be there. 
Money you won’t need to use for at least seven years is money for investing. The goal here is to have your account grow over time to help you finance a distant goal, such as building a retirement fund. Since your goal is in the future, money for investing belongs in stocks. As I’ll explain later, the potential inflation-beating returns that only stocks can deliver make them the right choice for a successful long-term investment strategy.
6. Know Your Credit Score
The big takeaway from the meltdown of 2008 is that banks are going to be a lot less eager to lend money to you. You will need a sparkling financial personality: a FICO score above 700, solid verifiable income, a manageable amount of existing debt—to get good offers for credit cards, auto loans, mortgages, and refinancings. And you can expect lenders to continue to tighten the screws on your existing credit lines; all the credit they loved to give you before 2008 now makes them nervous. Get your credit score by going to MyFico.com. If your score is below 700, two of the best ways to improve it are to pay your bills on time and push yourself to reduce your credit card balances.
7. Evaluate Your Retirement Plan
If your 401(k) and Roth IRA lost value in 2008, that’s a good sign. It means you were invested in stocks, and that’s exactly where you should be invested—assuming your retirement is at least a decade away. Only stocks offer the chance of high returns that outpace the annual 3 to 4 percent inflation rate. In your 20s and 30s, aim to keep 80 percent in stocks and just 20 percent in bonds; you have time to ride out stock swings. As you age, slowly ramp up the percentage in bonds; in your 50s and 60s, consider keeping 40 percent or more in bonds to help buoy your portfolio when stocks are slumping. The biggest mistake you can make is to stop investing in your retirement accounts or to shift money from stocks into “safe” money market accounts. Instead of worrying that your account is down, remember that your money buys more shares of your retirement funds. The more shares you own now, the more you will make when the market recovers. Buy and hold is the way to go. Here’s some perspective: The 2008 market slide is the tenth bear market (commonly accepted as a decline of at least 20 percent) since 1950. If you’d put your money in stocks in 1950 and stayed invested through the ups and downs, your average annual return through 2007 would have been more than 10 percent. That’s not to say you can count on an average of 10 percent over the next 50 or so years (7 to 8 percent is probably more realistic), but it illustrates how keeping focused on the long term pays off.
8. Diversify Your Assests
Try to reduce any company stock you own in your 401(k) to less than 10 percent of your total retirement assets. Just ask employees of Enron, Bear Stearns, Merrill Lynch, and Washington Mutual how smart it was to make big bets on their own stock. Mutual funds and exchange-traded funds (ETFs) are ideal for retirement savings because they own dozens of stocks in their portfolios. If you’re flummoxed by all the investing options in your 401(k), look for a “target retirement” or “life cycle” fund. Then pick the specific portfolio that dovetails with your expected retirement age and you’re all set; you will be invested in a mix of stock and bond funds appropriate for your age. You can also invest your Roth IRA in these types of funds; Fidelity, T. Rowe Price, and Vanguard all offer these one-and-done options.
9. Don’t Obsess Over Your Home’s Value
If you own a house and can afford the mortgage, consider yourself lucky. Try to love your home for what it is: a haven for you and your family, not a path to riches. Unless you bought at the height of the market in a super-popular region that has gone Ice Age–cold, you’re going to be fine. And even if you did buy at the peak, if you plan on staying put for five to 10 years, the real estate market will recover with time. But let’s be clear: A home is not an investment that will fund your retirement or vacations. The 10 or 20 percent annual gains during the housing boom were temporary insanity. Buy a house you can really afford, and over time it will rise in value. But its main value is as a home. Period. If you got caught buying into the housing bubble and are now in mortgage trouble, talk to the lender about your options. Don’t raid your retirement accounts to keep up with the payments. What happens when the retirement accounts run dry? You still won’t be able to cover the mortgage, and you will have lost all your future security.
10. Protect Your Family—and Your Nest Egg
If there is anyone dependent on your income—parents, children, relatives—you need life insurance. For the vast majority of us, term life insurance is all we need, because it protects you for the “term” of the policy (from five to 30
years) and is incredibly inexpensive. As always, it’s important to buy a policy from a firm with a strong financial rating, but even if an insurance company runs into trouble, your state insurance department has funds set aside to help protect you. I also want you to get your estate papers in order. You should have a living revocable trust (this document spells out how your assets should be distributed) with an incapacity clause, as well as a will.
Also, have an “advance medical directive” in place that tells your doctors the type of care you want if you become unable to speak for yourself. Finally, every family should have an emergency savings account that can cover at least eight months of living expenses. And I also want every woman to have her own personal savings account that could support her for at least three months, because you never know. The best place for your savings is an FDIC-insured bank (or a credit union backed by the National Credit Union Share Insurance Fund). If you keep less than $100,000 at an FDIC bank, no matter what happens to the bank, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (part of the U.S. government) will make sure you get every penny back. Online banks that are FDIC insured are just as safe as the bank downtown.
(Please note: The emergency federal legislation passed last October increased the FDIC insurance limit to $250,000 through December 2009. But to be extra safe, keep no more than $100,000 in any single bank.) Feel better? Follow these steps and no matter what the future brings, you will be in control of your financial destiny. And there’s nothing more valuable.
Get started! Use the resources on Suze’s favorite financial websites.
Suze Orman’s latest book is Suze Orman’s 2009 Action Plan (Spiegel & Grau).
Suze’s Web Picks
- CardTrak.com tells you everything you need to know about credit cards. My favorite feature is a search engine that helps you find the cards with the lowest interest rates and best benefits.
- SelectQuote.com and AccuQuote.com sift through hundreds of term life insurance policies so you can compare rates and find the best deals from top companies.
- MyFDICInsurance.gov features a free EDIE (electronic deposit insurance estimator) tool that explains how much of your money is insured by the FDIC. (You’ll see me there: The FDIC asked me to be the site’s spokesperson.) Webapps.ncua.gov/ins has an estimator for federally insured credit unions.
- MyFico.com lets you obtain your FICO score for a fee. Click on the Products link and choose FICO standard for $15.95.
- BankRate.com has up-to-date rates on everything from CDs to auto loans and mortgages. There are lots of useful calculators, including an eye-opener on how long it will take to pay off your credit card if you pay just the minimum amount due each month. Reality check!
START READING THE FIRST CHAPTER OF SUZE ORMAN’S 2009 ACTION PLAN
From The Oprah Winfrey Show:
Best Life Week: Your Money Plan 2009
