I FEEL…

• Posted on September 5, 2009 at 12:03 pm

I don’t deserve this. People are stupid. I am an idiot. The prime example of what “not to be.” Everything I do, is far below my level. I am not worth being near. I am uncapable if loving and I push people away on purpose. I am a perfect destructive idiot, who should not have a fair chance at life. I left my kids with their fathers because I could not handle other people’s words or actions. I feel attacked at all costs. It does not matter who I love because I will eventually cause them to fall. Everyone around me will unwillfully get dragged down with me. I am the model of what not to be. How not to act. How not to feel. When you feel too deep, you just get stepped on, numerously.

I am the product of basic human error. I was put on this earth for one reason. That reason, “poster child for abortion.” The tag line being, “Don’t create life that turns out like this!” I am a child of the devil’s way. I should never be proud of my mistakes, however my every exsistence was a mistake. A pure accident and I was just “lucky” enough to be born. My mother did the best she could, but her best was just not good enough. Her presence became extinct cause she could teach me no more.

It is so nice of society to put an age limit on when your child is mentally ready to leave the nest! So what happens to them when they are not? All turns grand if they decide to become another soldier in society’s eternal war and never speak an ill word. Now, if they have an opinion, they have no right to speak. Why have I never earned a right to speak? Freedom of speach is the All American Way! Why do I still suffer mentally, then torture myself physically just because others can’t give me the time of day to listen, let alone hear my truth. What makes me so low on the food chain that I am unworthy of being heard by people who lied, and spent my entire life telling me that they will be there for me? How can someone tell me that they’ve been there for me, when they themselves are a mental menus to society, unrealized by them?

I’m baffled by the pure ignorance of the people who can’t see the bigger picture, and that means also me, sometimes. My current hate for the human race is so depressing, that I don’t even want to live in this world. My only reason for still exsisting myself, is because no one has the right to take my children and use them as pawns in their own self-greed. Fact stands that there is an army brigade and two cement walls to break down before I can even touch my babies again. Now, who wants to say, that life is fair? Well, they can kiss my ass! Who gave them the right to make my kids suffer for something I did not do. For I would have already been home with my kids today, if it wasn’t for my own family’s failure to see the truth. The same group of idiots who raised me well…

Why do people assume shit, they do not have the facts on? Why are people so heavily influenced, by what other people say or do? Why doesn’t anyone really learn from other people’s wrongdoings? Why isn’t anyone satisfied with what they have? If satisfied, why do they make others’ feel so horrible to reach their satisfaction? Do you ever really know if someone is really satisfied? Do you know what goes on inside the place where they reside?

How quickly ignorant people, tag, unfortunate souls as “idiot,” “crazy,” or “insane,” when they go home day after day for years, to an abusive partner. All while they know they would cause alot of drama, in alot of lives if they admit to the abuse. Then how “sad” or “depressing” their situation was when noone helped and now another innocent bystandard is killed by the wrath of her mate. Who will really be there for the victim? You would think that would be close family or friends, but what if he didn’t “allow” her to speak with people outside of the home. At that point, the victim has no choice but to suck it up and live through the pain. No one ever gets too involved because everyone is afraid that something worse could happen, but how do you think the victim feels when they really “need” to tell you what’s going on, but can’t because they are afraid for their life?

Think about how many people just can’t recover because noone has bothered to put themselves in the victims shoes and really feel how they felt, while listening to their traumatic life situations. Damn, how long would it take you to feel that your child is in need or being abuse? What about your mother, niece, brother, sister, neighbor, or friend? Do you even listen when someone is speaking or do you just take their words and immediately defend yourself, as if they were attacking? Shit, were they really attacking or telling you the blunt, honest truth that you just can’t handle, or don’t want to? How can someone possibly say they’ve been there for you when they themselves, have never exhausted all of their options to help you when you could not help yourself?

So many people, daily are getting their asses beat or their heads bashed in and MUST talk around the bush because they are afraid to get beat again. Now, if that is so understandable, then why can’t you understand that there are many more cases of mental manipulation by partner than can even be imagined by the people involved? So many people don’t even realize that their husband or wife is manipulating every move, just to keep peace, in a shaken up relationship. Why do people feel it would be easier to break free from a mentally brainwashing relationship? Or do they? Do people ever think about that at all? Well, most of these types of issues in relationships go uncovered due to a little words called compromise. Funny thing that everyone gets to have their own sense of compromise within relationships unless, one partner feels they have the upperhand. The the feeling of power and authority takes over and there is no hope for the the weaker party. This may cause a problem for the “stronger” party IF the “weaker” party discovers this trait in their mate. Thus, the war for strength, power & authority begins… again. hmmmm…

I’ve gotten all of my information from personal life experience. Gave birth to a daughter out of wedlock and took care of her, practically, on my own for 5 years. Achieved my goal, then had another daughter out of wedlock by my ex-husband to be. We married while I was pregnant with my 3rd child, then in the end bringing the total to 4. This man was born of a different culture and ended up being a manipulatively brainwashing paranoid waste of a person, to me. Fortunately, he is around to take care of our children while my family puts me through an unjust life of hell. My family and my ex-husband should know, that I will never give up, I will fight you in court, I will plead “not guily” in both cases. You are the ones who started the war. I am not insane, your discommunication is insane! I did not trick the family that I love, you got that all twisted. For you think one way and will never change. Your selfishness is causing you to develop natural blinders for what really happened to me, in my life, on my time, while YOU were not there. Funny how you think people would be there for you until they think, then assume, then evolved themselves into the world of the unknown. Lol.

You see learning about Haitian culture would have been Grand compared to the reality that I was thrown into. 8 years of marriage with only traces of other people coming in and out of our lives so the only people who know what really happened is me, him, my kids, and passing guests who finally felt my pain. I hurt friends because I was not allowed to keep them. I could not be myself because that was not the “way” women are supposed to be. I begged and I pleadded for people to understand and they said that they did but what happened then? They like everyone drifted into their own little psedo-worlds and began their own life-long self-greed cycle.

I was manipulated from beginning to end by my husband, but I’m sure he will say the same. We came from two totally different backgrounds and both feel that Our Way is the Best Way! Two strong minded people do not work unless they are BOTH fighting toward a greater cause. I was born of a good heart and so was he but I never had to experience the negativity he did as a child because his father was blatently a pig. He had a mistress and flaunted it in front of his mother while she cared for her young. He came to America and left his family to fend for themselves. Just pure scum in my eyes and I feel bad for his mother, my children’s grandmother. Too bad for her son’s paranoid status far before the time it was due, he will feel the pain of the American Way, when I finally get my say!

Being a multi-racial woman, I’ve always believed that the world should be diverse. Therefore, pure refusal to evolve is somewhat strange to me. Actually, it’s unheard of since I came from a family of women, to this world that was made for a man. Can’t even think of any Extreme femanism in my tribe either. Just your average American Idiots. I used to be proud to be an American but now I am not sure how proud I should be throught all of this. The one thing I was taught most of all is to never lie. Well, why is it so hard for me to throw that value out the door, due to multitude of lies that I’ve been told before? Those who taught me not to lie have lied to me the most. When everything around you and all that you are is a lie, then who wouldn’t lie to some extent?

Why must I suffer due to inadequate minds before me?

Why must I win my chance to raise my kids just because of what your think, and what you have accused me of?

How could my own blood block my chances to clean up my own problems by building a bigger wall?

You ask no questions, you get no answers. It should be a sin to make someone feel the way, I feel, today.

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